Day 87- Thursday, April 5th, 1012

Day 87- Thursday, April 5th, 1012

 I went to bed early last night…really early…for me. I shut out the world at 8 p.m. Yesterday we had our pioneer meeting with the Circuit Overseer. And during it I realized how badly I missed being in an English hall. ITs not that I don't understand everything that is happening around me but I don't know. There is just something VERY different about being in an English hall and being in a Spanish hall. I don't know what it is though…Last night was also Night #2 in my new housing arrangement. This is either going to be really great move or really not, all based on the cons of each place. But when I think about it being easier on me to stay at the other house, I think of how it would have been harder for my family, because they would have had to send me money so that I could stay. And then I think its altogether better here. Oh there is still a whole bucket full of drama, but its a very VERY different type of drama then the other house. And I prefer the drama here in this house. Cause I can live with it., kinda…but last night all I wanted was to shut out the world. Its Day 87 today…in 5 days I will be here for a full 3 months, and half of my trip will be over…Will the second half go by faster? Or will it seem longer and slower? I guess it all depends on a few things. 1) What I do with my time. 2) How much of that time I spend at home. 3) What mindless activities can I do, so as not to think about the time I am at home. 4) Will the couple move or stay here? 5) What new and exciting things will I stress about today?! I thought for a second this would be my first time sharing a room with two others for a 3 month period, but I was wrong. I've done it before…when I was 8-ish…I didn't like it then. Maybe thats why I was questionable about sharing a room now with 2 others…Could it be my subconscious remembers from when I was 8-ish. I don't know. 

I felt alone yesterday. Even though I was with people constantly…Very much alone and cold inside. The cold might have to do with the fact it is now raining season so every afternoon will be grey and rainy from now on. It also might be because the water I had to shower with was ice and it started raining outside mid-shower. Which drastically changes the temperature…My mind has been far away, in a different place… And I keep thinking about Katniss and Peeta… Trying to compare this to them… its actually not that bad of a comparison. There are a few similarities… Being alone, Hostility, Danger, Buckets of Rain, Feelings of sickness, Dehydration, Thoughts of home, Thoughts of love, Wonder really who I am, what kind of person should I be, Plans for survival… I keep wondering why Katniss told Peeta what she did in the end of book one. I was sure she felt it too, he obviously did. She must have felt it, she had to have felt it!! So why did she pretend like she didn't. Why did she break him, like she did. I don't understand. I don't like it. She seemed like in the end she actually shared his feelings, and hopes. So then why…why did she tell him that?! These thoughts drive me crazy and make me mad at Katniss. Obviously she doesn't owe him anything any more, but this isn't exactly something you owe someone. Its true she needed to be honest with him. But was it fright or the thought of going home, Prim, Gale, her mother, that made her unsure? that made her change her mind? Or was she really just trying to survive this whole time, and now that its not necessary she's given up? I need Book 2. And I am going to get it today. As well as book 3. I don't think I will have time to read the whole thing today. At the latest I will get the book at 12:30. If I start reading it right then, I can read it on the bus and then here in my room until the latest 5:30. With an 30 minute or 45 minute stop in between, cause Im changing my hair color… Hmm, its actually somewhat going to be like Katniss's hair. Darker and always in a braid…Oh how I wish I could be Katniss. She seems so real. I have never felt this way about a book or about a character of someone's imagination except for my own work. But Suzanne Collins is amazing. A new hero…I long to be Katniss! I don't just want to be like her, I want to switch places with her. I want to be the girl on fire. I want to be there when she toughs it out. I want to feel what she feels and do what she does and think what she thinks. I want to change places with her…But I can't. Not only because it is LITERALLY impossible. (Chris Trager voice) but because she is a character of Suzanne Collin's imagination. She is fictional. She isn' real…am I so different?

((after memorial)) Well that was the most people that had EVER come to this hall at one time. 104 people! YEAH! Doing out jobs good! :) My hair is now darker, I actually wouldn't mind if it was even darker. But thats ok. Maybe I will dye it darker…Anyways, its awkward here still. So I am going to just go ahead and sink back into the other world of mine, where I am Katniss. :) I know have Book 2. And I am going to start it right now. Its gonna be AWESOME! {Side note! Its Cristina Flores' baptism anniversary today! :D April 5th, 2008! HOLLA!!! :) Miss you lady!}