Day 112- Monday, April 30th, 2012

Day 112- Monday, April 30th, 2012

Today was kind of another stood smoosh of a morning. No like seriously I felt like i was smooshing around all morning, I smooshed out of bed. I smooshed into the kitchen, I smooshed to wash my clothes. SEE! It was a smoosh of a morning. Anyways, I took a shower. Got ready for the day, and headed to Rio Sereno. At least I wanted to. I was, like always, early at the store. Waiting for the bus. The bus is SUPPOSED to leave at 1:30 from up on top of the hill and then be done by the store no later then 1:40. I usually get to my bus stop (the store right next door) around a ½ hour early. Today, like so, I was there at 1. I was there at 1:30. I was also there at 1:50. And I was still there waiting with my ever-so-fleeting-fast-patience when the bus decided to pull up at…2:15. Dumb ol Mr. Rico-Suave was driving the bus. I was irritated actually prior to seeing him, because at 1:45 it started to rain a LOVELY LOVELY rain, and I was made cause I knew that meant the bus driver (whoever it might be) probably wouldn't leave his house or office or hut or spaceship or outhouse or lord-knows-what until the rain died down a little. This made me mad, but then it made me even madder because today I could really have gone for a walk in the rain. I love walking in the rain, because its like the rain strips away your problems and tears and emotions that you have for-the-saftey-of-others-bottled-up-inside-you. And the rain just comes and takes it all away. Well, I was mad because 1) Now I would be late. and 2) If I didn't get to Sereno before the rain stopped I wouldn't be able to walk in it. and 3) The rain stopped at 2:12 and 4) I am mad at Mr. Rico-Suave (Dorian) and his stupid face! and then when I boarded the bus I got a very rude question asked of me and it made me madder and I wanted to march right on up to Dorian and slap him, but I don't believe that would have been the best thing to do at the moment. Do you want to know what additional factors made me want to smack the stupid off his face?? Of course you do! Ok, so I get on the bus, mind you I am mad because I don't get to walk in the rain now. And the helper dude, a different one from the times before. This one is named something really retarded. I actually honestly believe his name is Gravy. Just spelt different. What kind of dumb name is that?! Thats like naming your kids 'Mack' and 'Cheese' OH MY GOSH! I totally call those names, nobody gets them! I call dibs…Ok back to reality…Where was I? Ah yes stupidly named Gravy. So Gravy walks down the aisle to my seat and asks…

'How are you?'

'Im fine thanks.'

'Why are you sitting back here?'

'Uhh I don't know. Because, because…because yes.'

'Your mad at him, huh?'

'What? Mad at who?"

"Your mad at your boyfriend."

"What? No. What boyfriend?" And then he did a stupid Panamanian thing they do here, which is instead of pointing or nodding your head in a certain direction you literally pucker your lips in the direction you want someone's attention to go to. It LITERALLY looks like you are blowing kisses at whatever your talk about. Its stupid and smooshy. (Smooshy is not a good word for me today in case you haven't noticed) Well he smooshed his lips in Dorian's direction. And as I looked up toward the front of the bus, I saw his eyes for a split second looking at me in the rear view mirror. (SIDE NOTE: Does anyone else feel that ,that is an unfortunate name for a mirror?)) Judging from his reaction to my face, I am guessing it was a mix between a very mad ''WHAT?!'' mixed with a bit of disgust and wanting to smack the SMACK outta someone. (I didn't do it don't worry! But I could feel my whole body tense up, and my fists somehow curled up into fists.) I am guessing this mind you because, although I didn't say anything, he responded in a very-unsure-of-himself "Dorian?…Are you…mad…at Dorian?" 

"He is NOT my boyfriend." I glared at him. 

"Oh. Ok. I thought that maybe…" he trailed off. 

"No." I said very calmly and very cold. 

"Well, I just thought that…"

"No." I repeated again calm and cold like. 

"Cause he said"

"No." I could tell, he was really asking himself why he came over here in the first place. Because he kinda shuffled his feet and took a step back. 

"You don't want to come sit up front with us?"

"No." I repeated again. "Thank you." 

"Ok" he said, he suddenly seemed just a wee bit scared, a backed away slowly. I caught Dorian looking back again, and I gave him my best-mom look. And his eyes went straight to the road again. Good Goly Gosh MAN! Whats wrong with this fool-child. I don't even want to slap him anymore because he would probably like it! He is very much needing to STAY AWAY FROM ME! I was contemplating buying a ring and putting it on, you know just so MAYBE he would leave me alone, if he thought I was "taken". But the rings cost 15 bucks! And when the store dude told me that I actually went "Bahaha!…seriously?!'' Haha. So no ring. Anyways, after this whole smoosh of a morning and early afternoon I got to Sereno. Went an bought some things that I needed. And suddenly I had a break-through! And this is what it was….

No wonder the women here are SO mad all the time, there are no _________! With all the things that made their way down here to Panama, ________ did not! Poor unfortunate women. I am sad for you all. But at this very moment, I am sad for myself! But it does explain SOO much now! 

After the stores I went to the internet and got to talk a little with my Mama Llama and Carin. I got some new music, and then forgot I was supposed to go to buy Mayka some cat food. And so I fast-walked to the store. And ended up jogging in the rain, with my umbrella open, and backpack full back to where the bus was waiting. It ALMOST left me. Like ALMOST ALMOST ALMOST! Once I got on the bus and sat down and it left Sereno, I realized I had forgotten 3 VERY IMPORTANT things I was supposed to do at the internet today. NO! FOUR!! #1 Send my 'April' time in (Can anyone else believe its the last day of April today?!) #2 Update my blog (Sorry folks!) #3 Respond to a few emails from friends. #4 Send Leti's pictures to her mom. GASP SIX!! #5 Send out my letter to a family back home. #6 Research what exactly are all the medications, I was prescribed for. Oh yeah AND I forgot to take my medicine! NICE! I will probably die now! On a happier note…..

I started playing a game today, by myself of course. I call it 'Word-Picture'. This is how you play… You think of one word and see what the first few things that come to your mind are. Then the last word that comes to your mind you have to start with that as your next word. This is how it started and an example of how you play. 

Word: Mexican Picture:Beans and Tortillas

Tortillas- Tacos and Mixote 

Mixote- My corner and my house

My house- My family

My Family- My Sister and my Mom

My Mom- From the U.S.

The USA- Mc Donalds and Fat

Fat- Carbohydrates

Carbohydrates- Pasta

Pasta- Italians

Italians - Mustaches and Capuchinos

Capuchinos- Esbeidy 

Esbeidy- Eli 

Eli- Irapuato

Irapuato- Noah and Tammy St.Aubin

St.Aubin- French/Canadian

Canadians- Moose and Beer

Beer- Carne Asada

Carne Asada- The Flores Family

The Flores Family- Mali and Cristina

Cristina- Chinese Food

Chinese Food- Wontons and Pork Fried Rice

Rice- Panamanians 

Panamanians- Mosquitos and Ojaldras (Ojaldas are delicious puffy tortilla things that they make here. :) AND I know how to make them!) 

Ojaladras- Pioneer Route

Pioneer Route- Spiritual Goal

Spiritual Goal- Bethel

Bethel-New York 

New York- Alicia Keys, Pizza, Twin Towers

Twin Towers-9/11

9/11-Gerber, California

California- Surfers and Jamba Juice

Jamba Juice- Sacramento

Sacramento-My father

My father- Time and Distance

Distance- My home.

My home- Mexico

Mexico- Beans and Tortillas

Ya see?! Its actually rather fun, I do believe I will be filling up one of my notebooks with this new game of mine. :D I like this game of mine! Its fun! But I can also see how it could get grim at times. Oh well though, its new and its interesting and I won't get in trouble for enjoying THIS new interesting thing. :) 

Now its almost 9:30 p.m. and I am still WIDE AWAKE. And I think it has to do with the fact I just downed a cup of coffee. Why did I drink coffee at 9? Good question! ANSWER! Because I was cold inside. :( So now, what am I supposed to do??? I am going to take notes on my moms notes on the 1012 Annual…wait there is something wrong with that sentence…oh yeah. 2012 Annual…there it is! Pioneer Meeting. :) (The 2012 Annual Pioneer Meeting, for those who got trapped in that brain-fart of mine. :)) That is what I will do! WHOO-HOO!! ….Uh-oh…Coffee was NOT a good idea…And I was SO looking forward to sleeping tonight. ASH! …WAIT WAIT WAIT!…I just yawned!…I still have some coffee left…should I drink it?…NO! I can't drink it. I need to go to sleep!!…wow I suddenly feel tired…Ok, PLAN! Drink the rest of the coffee and study until 10. Then go to bed. PLAN ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well…the PLAN was somewhat fulfilled…The coffee is gone, and has been gone for a while now…And its 11:53. I ended up just copying and actually meditating on the the notes my mom made. And then for the past 30 ish minutes I have been sitting here just thinking, meditating, contemplating on what I just read. Asking myself the deep questions of life. Really trying to understand myself. And then all of a sudden I was crying asking myself over and over. 'Am I really worth all that much to Jehovah? Im just one person. One 18-year old female, with a long list of sins and shortcomings behind me, enough for at least AT LEAST 2 people. So why am I here? Why am I a Pioneer? Why am I on the Pioneer Route in Panama? Do I really have Jehovah supporting me to move forward? Or am I just one of those people who keeps falling through the cracks? Am I really and I mean REALLY, TRUTHFULLY, HONESTLY doing ALL I can for Jehovah? Am I vigorously keeping up in the race? Im I exerting myself strenuously? Sure I moved away from my comfort zone now twice, left my friends and family behind now twice, jumped into a new territory with new, unseen dangers and problems now twice, Bravely took on anything coming my way now twice, kept afloat as the waves of distractions/problems/temptations/misfortunes/disasters/tribulations washed over me now twice. But am I really REALLY doing my part? Am I really doing my share?…I honestly don't know…No. I think I do know. And I think I am meaning to say 'No. No Im not'. I should be doing more! I don't know how but I should! Im making up for lost time now. But I am not doing all I can. Why do I feel like Im not?! I finally figured out a fear. The only fear I have left in my whole soul… Disappointing Jehovah, again…Thats the fear that haunts me at every fork in the road of decisions to make. There is a little voice inside me that whispers in my brain saying 'Don't do it AGAIN! Don't make him hurt AGAIN! Don't do it AGAIN!' But when there are no upcoming life altering decisions, like for instance now. At 12:05 A.M, May 1st, 2012. The little voice has a different tune. A tune I am oh to familiar with. 'Its too late' it calls after me 'Its to late, now! You've jumped the fence to many times, and you can't come back now. Its to late for you. Give up! Your not going to make it. Cause your not good enough. You've fallen short to many times, and there is no coming back from where you've gone now! Give up!' This little voice in my head rings through me as a whole, it creeps up my spin, and sends shivers down my arms. Do I listen to the little voice? Surely, I know I shouldn't! But sometimes, just sometimes, it seems so sure of itself. As if what it is saying isn't just a thought. But a fact, a reality, that I am too afraid to face. 'Its to late, now. Your not going to make it. You've fallen short to many times. Give Up.' I must not be the only one who hears this voice am I? There must be others that hear this voice ringing off the back of their skulls. Always, there sending that cold icy twist down your spine. I can't be the only one. But, man, sometimes it feels like I am. I always think if only people REALLY knew what used to be, then they would understand why what I do now is not enough. But people don't know. Mainly cause I don't tell people. There are reasons, like with everything. But its times like these that, that wicked little voice, seems to be ringing with a hint of truth to it. Its times like these that I am TRULY sad…Its 12:14 a.m. now. Im calling it a night…even though its morning. And I have to be up in less then 7 hours to start another day. Live day-by-day, self. Live day-by-day.