The Haphazard Happenings of a Random Flower: May 2012

Monday, May 14, 2012

Day 125- Sunday, May 13th, 2012

So today, I went to meeting like usual BUT the only problem was, well there are a few things actually. #1) I could not follow the talk today, like no bodies biz-net! #2) I left my Watchtower at home, well both me and Rebe actually. We both left our Watchtowers at home. So when we finished the 2nd song, we realized that neither one of us had our Watchtowers, and I realized the benefit of living so close to the hall. 13 minutes later (I timed it! {and thats with a) Walking to my house. b) Finding Rebe's Watchtower. c) Chugging 2 glasses of water. d) Grabbing a bag of goods. and e) Walking back!}) I was back at the Kingdom Hall with both of our Watchtowers. Ta-Da! It was pretty awesome! :) Anyways, I was there for the rest of the meeting. Then me and the girls went to one of their studies up top of the mountain. Osiris called me and asked me to bring up some potatoes and butter for her, so we dropped that off. Then went up a little more and studied a few paragraphs with some guy they are studying with. Then we got ½ way to the school which is about 2/7ths of the way to the house Im gonna say. Rebe realized that she forgot her umbrella at the studies house so she went to walk back and told me to take her clothes off the line and hang them up inside. So I told why not have her go home and I will go back for the umbrella. So we decided that is what we would do. Only I forgot to give her my umbrella in case of rain. But it ended up that they walk very slow while they go down hill. So I ended up being only like 5ish minutes behind them. In their defense they aren't pros of walking down the mountain like I am. :) Ha-Ha-Ha! Ah yes! When I was walking down the mountain, I heard a few songs in a row that made me feel happy and being happy reminds me of things that keep me happy. Long story short I ended up showing up home smiling like a fool. I ended up staying like that for like no joke 3 hours. Think about the same thing, and just smiling away. The girls asked me what was wrong with me. So I told them "I am thinking about something beautiful." And they were like "Mmmhmm we know who you are thinking about! Your thinking about (censored)!!" Of course they were right, but that just made me smile more! Yeah so anyways, I came home and hung with Mayka a bit in the tienda…then I came back home we watched a really stupid kids movie that the girls had boworrowed from one of the families in our hall. It was one of the stupidest things I think I had ever watched! Anyways, when that was done I watched some 30 Rock to keep me in my awesome mood. And then the girls were like 'Can you show us how to make Ojaldra." So I was like "sure!" Cause I had nothing else to do. So I went next door to buy more flour. And realized that the Sunday movie this week was 'X-Men 2' so I waited until the commercial break and then came back with the flour, made the fastest Ojaldra mix I have ever made and then raced back over to watch some more. But since Mayka closes the store at 8. I didn't get to finish it. She invited me to stay longer and finish the movie but I couldn't of course cause I had to come here and type out my days events for you. :) I am SOO loyal to you guys! Bahaha! NOT! Sorry but its true. Ok so anyways, we just came up with a game. Leti is singing some of the English songs on her phone and I am trying to decipher what songs they could be. :) Pretty funny!! Well Im bored now, and I feel like I am living with 4 old people cause its 9:42 and the girls are OUT! But Im going to bed to, cause well I was going to say I have to wash laundry tomorrow but I don't have laundry soap because I don't have money. Nice right. Man! I hope someone has decided to be super generous to me. Anyways, yes. Goodngith Day 125. (Again! SHOCK! 125 days! TRIPPY man!!)

Day 124- Saturday, May 12th, 2012

They laughed! All they did was laugh! They think all of this is funny and comical. Well guess what!! Its not this is my life! And this is why (negative thoughts!!!!) so yeah I need to start from the beginning of today. I went in service in the morning. Brother Nixon and Abdiel wanted to see how I was doing. So I went to talk with them a little bit. They asked me how everything was at the house. I told them it was the same if not worse. But of course, they are positive this could not be possible because after the meeting we had with everyone, things would have to have changed right?! So I gave them an example, just so happened I had a new example from yesterday! :D A nice new fresh example! And this is it:

One of the girls left a cup of coffee in the kitchen in the morning. It was on our side of the kitchen, on our counter. When I came home for lunch, I heated up the food. Then I put some on my plate, but since I wasn't sure if I wanted more, I left the 2 serving spoons next to the stove, neatly lined up, mind you. Then ate at our table in the kitchen while watching some episodes. When the couple got home, the sister came into the kitchen, and immediately was enraged that I was there in "HER" kitchen, although I was completely out of the way. She turned the faucet on all the way and left it on, in order to drown out the very quite episodes I had playing. She then like usual went about slamming everything and making a whole bunch of enraged noises and movements. When the brother came in to help her make tortillas (can they get any more Mexican? bahaha) she said "Mira. Como deja las cosas ESTA COCHINA!!" Which in English is hard to translate cause we don't have a word for cochina. Its basically like saying slob though. So "Look how that SLOB leaves everything!" I was sitting like 6 feet away from them. This is just one example of what happens everyday of my now current life. So I shared this experience with the elders, when they asked me about it. And thats where the beginning of the blog comes in. ''They laughed! All they did was laugh! They think all of this is funny and comical. Well guess what!! Its NOT! This is my life! And this is why (negative thoughts!!!!)" They obviously weren't prepared for having these things happen on the route, but I mean come on! You don't even have to talk with the couple or say anything to me. But don't laugh! PLEASE don't laugh!! I was honestly very close to bursting out in tears right there and then. But that would have meant I would have to break. And thats not going to happen. So I just let my face turn as hard and have the same amount of emotion as cement. I think they kind of got, that they shouldn't be laughing. Ya think?! Da-doy!! But whatever. (Negative thought)!!!

Ok I am going to be ok. Im just going to calm down a bit. :)

Day 123- Friday, May 11th, 2012

…. instead I will tell you guys that ''Today was a pretty normal day, I went out in service like usual. Studied with Eira. I was going to study with Osiris but she had to kill some chickens and de-feather them. So I decided to help her out. At least I know can say I know how to :) Her dad says I am a natural. Haha. On Tuesday in the morning I am going to go up to the house again and they are going to teach me how to do something with the bananas I think. Its gonna be awesome. So Tuesday will be my chill day. :) I got home late though again. Past 8. But I promised the girls it will be the last time I get home so late, and I am very much conscious about keeping that promise. :) Don't want any problems. :) So yeah it was a good day today. :) But now I am tired from a very STRENUOUS day so. Yeah good night!"

Day 122- Thursday, May 10th, 2012

I miss living with my family…that was my first thought today. I miss living with people who understand me, love me, care about me, and really know me. I got the lovely surprise of getting a lecture this morning. About how we all have to do our part, even though they kept saying I am doing my part, so I don't really understand what the lecture was about. But they mentioned that lately I have seemed very preoccupied and it like I am in a different world…New flash my dear un-attached-to-reality roommates. That is what happens when you are stressed. The couple is now ''more comfortable'' here at the house, seeing as they are now on spewing terms with 2 of the 3 of us. And they haven't mentioned going home this month, in a while, which is some food-for-thought, ya know. After the girls left, I had the house to myself. I did some of my INSANITY work out for today, just enough to get the juices going. But the day I dislike the most is Thursdays in my workout because its a recovery day, and to me it feels worthless that I do this day. I showered, cleaned my room, and came into the kitchen partly to cook something and partly to try and study something. I have a very uneasy feeling about today, and I don't know why. But I don't like it. I shall make patacones and french fries now. Every few days, I lessen the amount of sugar I put in my black coffee, its getting pretty low. And my coffee is seemingly a lot blacker and stronger. Im stressed about this talk and I have a very uneasy feeling about it. I still don't know why though.

-----After a lunch break---------------

Oh now I know why I am stressed! The sister whom I have the talk with just called me. No before this happened something else happened!! Rebe just told me that Mayka told her, her mom isn't going to be my house-holder. Because she just wasn't feeling up to it. But its really because I didn't want to change my talk, to what she wanted. Because I like living…for the time being anyways. So I got the wonderful news that I have now like 2 hours to find a replacement house-holder. THEN The sister called me to tell me she re-wrote the parts she wanted changed and timed it and we would be good on timing. Around this time the Ortiz's got home so I had to go into the back area (my study area) to have a whispered hushed conversation in which I needed to be using my voice to show that I would not be backing down. Kind of hard to do when your whispering. Anyways, I tried explaining to the sister why I honestly could not change the talk and she kept insisting. And so finally I had to tell her 'Listen, sister, I appreciate your help in trying to fix my talk but Im sorry I am not changing it.' She wasn't pleased. But we are going to have one more practice before the meeting starts. How she complied to my request makes me believe that she is going to try again and change it on our final practice…She must not like me since she is trying to get me killed.

-----After meeting----

Hmm well that was different. I was right, Sister Leticia tried to change it last minute, but I stood my ground. And suffered the consequences of having her speed read through her parts with no emotion whatsoever. So I was ½ a minute short on my time. And I could tell I was gonna be to short which made me nervous and forgot that my point was on bring out the main points of the scriptures. But I was totally freaking out. And ended up only emphasizing 1 thing in the whole talk, plus the being short on the timing, got me a lovely FAIL. And so my next talk I have the same point…I don't even remember when the last time was that I failed a talk. :( It made me sad, I felt like a…well…failure. Made me really sad. But its ok, I just know I should have passed it! I always pass! I never fail…but I did this time. Oh well, at least I live to see another day. :) And at least I go to give a talk right? :) There is something to be happy about!

Day 121- Wednesday, May 9th, 2012

So today was…interesting. I went out in service today with Leti and Hermana Leticia, then I came home and FINALLY FINALLY got to do an INSANITY workout. I have been feeling down lately and I have decided that I need to start working out again. So I did my work out, showered ate some food and then I started writing out on paper my talk, for my householder and myself. When I was done writing it out I looked down and realized I had written it all in English. How I did that I have no idea, because the talk on my computer is in Spanish. So I don't really know what was going on there. Maybe its cause I have had the worst headache I have ever had since I have been here. NOT COOL! I went to practice with Hermana Leticia and got another interesting thing happen to me. She kept stopping in the middle of her script saying. 'No. We are gonna change this.' and 'No. We are going to write this differently.' and 'No. I wouldn't actually say this.' it was VERY stressful. Then she asked me what my point of counsel was on, I answered honestly that I couldn't remember because of my headache and she said 'Hmm…Message me later with the point of counsel so I know how I can fix this.' Seriously?! Inside I went all California on her, I was all like 'Dude! I have been on the Theocratic Ministry School and giving talks since I was 5 years old! Im gonna be 19 in a few months. That 14 years that I have giving talks and have passed all but like 2 I think. And those 2 were like 7 years ago! I am pretty sure I know how to write a talk.' But on the outside I was all like, 'Ok sister.' and 'Thats a good point, sister.' and 'Maybe we will change it to your suggestion.' She also wanted to change the introduction so that instead of being my grandmother and us sharing our beliefs she wanted to say 'Well when Yorlenis came last week, I didn't understand what she was saying. Can you explain it better?' I almost laughed at her. Its true that last week she also had the part with Yorlenis that was right before this subject. But is this lady trying to get me killed?! Not only would I be saying I was a better teacher then Yorlenis. But I would be throwing it in her face, that I have more experience writing and giving talks and therefore my talks sound more life-like and realistic. In my California mind I was all like: "Oh yeah awesome idea! And we could also call Dorian and have him sit next to me at the meeting! Or you know we could call Alex and invite him from Volcan to come here my talk. Or you know we can dress me up and make-up me up so that I look a million times better then her and rub it in her face. Or Oh yeah! OR I can go into the kitchen right now and grab a knife and stab myself in the back, so as to die quicker! COME ON! Are you insane?! Whats the matter with you?! You tryin to get me killed you psycho freak!" I was all dying and everything inside! And by the time I left my head was throbbing and I had an undecided time for tomorrow for her to come to my house to 'fix' my mess of a talk. I could barely focus on walking when I came back home and almost tripped like 4 times. And then when I got to the bridge I just stood there looking over and the rocks and water beneath for like what felt like an hour but I think it was like 3 minutes. A car horn from somewhere on the road brought me back, and I smooshed my way up the road, to the store, where I say Mayka's helper lady drinking a coup of coffee. So I smooshed my way home, all zombie like a the first thing I did was put on a pot of coffee. When I had my cup of close to black coffee I smooshed my way back to the store and just chilled there for a while. Across the ''street'' some dudes were playing soccer. Shirts and Skins. But I wasn't going to go admire them or anything. BUT since I didn't know anyone who was playing anyway, I admired from a distance. Aura saw me and started laughing, but mainly because she was admiring too. Which is just a tad bit disturbing cause she is like 30 and is married with children. And the guys playing were like in their 20's…hmm I guess its not THAT disturbing. NEver mind then. Then I came back ho…to the house. After I bought a fruit punch. I got a little plate of left over dinner and poured the fruit punch in a cup added a wee bit more then a wee bit of 'Seco Herrera' and I was good to go, I sat on my bed and watch 'Persuasion' again! Felt very much alone in the world and drank another wee bit. And then I died…Obviously not! When my movie was over, I went to the bathroom area and brushed my teeth and then came back into the room and am now going to sleep. Today was stressful. I hope tomorrow will be better, but I feel like its gonna be another stressful day.

Day 120-Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

Today was not my day. Like seriously. 1) My Mama Llama never called last night. :( 2)I was woken up by something heavy and hard hitting my leg. I looked at my phone for the time, and I got the lovely surprise of it reading, 6:23 A.M. I turned my head to see what the heck hit me and there is Leti standing over me, with one of her boots! YEAH! I just got hitten awake by a huge boot. And of course, when you are hitten awake at 6:23 A.M. your not in the best mood and don't really care about the tone you use. So I said. "What?! What do you want?!"

"The service group is up at Nixon's house today, because we haven't worked the territory up there lately. We need to leave on the bus that passes at 7:45." She is not observant WHAT-SO-EVER and doesn't realize that although that is the schedule the bus doesn't actually pass us until 8:30!!!

"Thats it?"

"Yeah."

"And you had to hit me to tell me that?!"

"Well how else was I supposed to get you up?!"

"What?!"

"Well if I don't wake you up you'll sleep in, until like 11."

"And WHEN was the last time you saw me sleep until 11?!!!! Oh yeah, NEVER!! ! Whats wrong with you?!" I said in a somewhat snarl, as I turned around facing the wall, and pulling my blanket over my head. I was livid! Ok cause…

1) You just don't hit people with shoes, ESPECIALLY at 6:23 in the morning.

2) I never sleep past 7 on a service day and they KNOW this!

3)Normally she is in bed as well when I get up.

4) Don't ever and I mean EVER hit me!

5) Its 6:23 in the morning!! Leave me alone! The worst part is, she just went right along with her morning. She didn't say 'Sorry for beating you with my shoe.' or 'Sorry for waking you up more then a half hour before you normally get up.' or 'Sorry for not telling you at a decent hour last night about the service arrangement.' OR 'Sorry for burning the coffee this morning!!' So of course I now could not go back to sleep. Getting beat with a shoe first thing in the morning does things to ya, I guess. And then drinking burnt coffee I mean come on!! I was mad! So I stayed home today to write my talk for Thursday. Well in the morning, I took my burnt cup of coffee and went to say hi to Mayka and ask her something. And the ____s put the lock on the door and left in the bus. So I had to call them and tell them to send the keys back with the bus driver when he came down. But that bus had JUST got to the top and they always stay AT LEAST 30 minutes before coming back down. So I had to wait there with Mayka in the store for the dumb key! I finally got in and got all my books together and just sitting down looking over the material for my talk I felt better. And now I am off to go visit Osiris! :D Daniela had a dentist appointment today so I am not sure if we will be going to run, either way I am going to go up to her house, cause I know she is going to need help cause she always has SO much work. Plus Daniela didn't have school today so she is probably dying! I will talk to you guys when I get back. :)

--------Back for the Night-------------

Hmmm…so this is new. And not a good new. I have again realized that nobody here gets me. The also don't understand basic easy facts. For instance! A) The branch would not send a stupid immature 18 year old on a route to a different country alone. B) Although I am 18 the branch did send me here. C) 1+1 does not equal 7! 1+1=2. So IF the branch DOES NOT send stupid immature INCAPABLE 18 year olds to a 3rd world country by themselves, but they DID send me. 1+1!!! I must not be a stupid immature INCAPABLE spaz of an 18 year old. My elders would not have sent me here either. So 1+1=2. I am an intelligent mature CAPABLE 18 year old. Meaning I am not an idiot that can't talk care of herself. And also, I know what I am doing. So there is no possible reason why I should be treated like a stupid immature incapable spaz of a person, is there?! No! Because when I DO walk down the hill, although by myself, I always have 1) My awesome huge flashlight.

2) My umbrella for a) rain b) dogs c) people.

3) my phone in my hand, ready to make an emergency call if needed.

4) My wicked awesome thing that I can't remember the name of that the Robinsons gave me, that can be used as a tool OR a weapon if need be. and finally

5) I take my common-sense and brain with me!

So when I do stay at my Bible Studies house until after dark, I STILL have my gear with me. And by now, I know the road. I know where AT THE BOTTOM of the hill, like literally 3 minutes away from my house, guys like to congregate on Fridays. So I stay away from that area. I also know, where the houses are on the road. And which are either my studies or families that I know, in case I ever needed to get off the street fast. I also know which parts of the road will be the darkest, so I make sure my flashlight is on, while walking through the parts. I also know if for ever reason I have to get home AS FAST AS I CAN it takes me around 20-25 minutes to get home, running. BUT since there is NO reason for me to have to RUN home because like I have mentioned a THOUSAND TIMES we live in a blimp of a town, it doesn't even merit the comparison of a 'blimp of a town'. We seriously have 1 main road, and its the main road because it is the ONLY road we have that connects everything. So I like in a less then a blimp of a town, where I know not only everyone, all the houses, cars, trucks, buses, but also I know every DOG in this town. And everyone knows me. Oh yeah and I am MARGARITA PALACIOS for goodness sake! Mama didn't raise no fool-child! So no, ok no I do not think I am going to be needing a lecture from ANYONE, including 2 Mexican girl-women who are afraid to do anything in life, unless with each other, and then they are still afraid but afraid together! I don't need a lecture from YOU! And I will not be getting one from you. And THIS is why I didn't want to live with anyone, but wanted to live on my own! I had and still have my reasons! SO if and this is now a HUGE!!! And I mean huge gigantic IF. IF I were to change my mind about going back home on time, and were to stay here a few more months…IF I were to do that THIS is a PERFECT EXAMPLE of why I would be making all my arrangements FIRST, and then when I can not change any of them, THEN tell the people here that I will be staying. And INFORM them of what I will be doing. Because IF, and again huge if, IF I were to tell them right this minute that I wanted to stay here, Good Lord! THEY would be the ones eventually running my schedule, telling me when I was going to work, when I was going to eat, when I was going to be parasite sick! NO! Starting tomorrow I will be telling everyone I am sticking to the original plan of going back home on the 3rd of July. IF something changes I will keep it to myself and Osiris. Because she at the moment is the only one, not trying to act like a parent figure. Plus, she has already helped me by coming up with the idea, suggesting a house, and giving me the name of the guy I would need to talk to about using the classrooms in the school for my English classes. I love Osiris! Its really too bad I can't move in with her! Although I am sure if I asked she would say yes! But either way IF I were to stay here longer, after I made my plans in secret and then informed everyone of the then-being-unchangeable-plans-that-have-been-set-and-stuck-in-stone, I would live like a 3 minute walk uphill away from her, which would be pretty awesome! Anyways, yes. People are SUCH chismosas here, like we don't even know how to give a good chisme in comparison to people here. Like my granny and her chismes can't hold a candle to people here. They are SO nosy! Its SOOOOO annoying! Ay Dio Mio, I greatly dislike this. Can't people just let me do my thing?! ITs not even like its a bad thing! When Nixon talks to me about this, and he WILL talk to me, because again nosy-ness, I will just have to explain to him,

1)The less time I spend in THIS house the less stressed I am.

2) Walking calms me.

3) I am being careful.

4) I am with my Bible Student.

5) The branch wouldn't have sent me here if I was capable of taking care of myself.

6) I am going back home in July. A few more PEACEFUL, RAINY, ALONE, SUNSETTING walks are NOT going to hurt me, but keep me in good enough health and mental capacity to stay here. MAN! Another reason why I don't like having the age number of 18. When I feel like 25. Side note: No one here in this house or actually in this hall, besides me that is, has ever taken a self-defense class. Nor would they be able to fit back on lack of muscle. Nor would they be able to scare someone away with a single look. Nor are they tall enough to seem intimidating. And I know for a FACT, by using common sense, I could take anyone in the KH. Its not my fault that I know this, every time I meet a new person I weight the differences and I see if I would be able to take them. And the answer is yes to everyone here. And I haven't even been able to work out for a whole MONTH! And I could still take them all. Just saying I am more then capable of protecting myself and I am smart enough not to be so stupid like everyone else here. So yeah. I'll be just fine, thank you very much! UGH! Not so much livid anymore as ticked off. Its 10:10 p.m. and I am surprisingly tired! ((Side Note: The reason why I came down the hill late was because it was raining like CRAZY and even with my umbrella open I would have been drenched when I got back to the house. PLUS, I am pretty sure with all that rain, I might have broken my umbrella. Either way I was comfy and warm in Osiris' house!)) I think I forgot to mention that in my rantings. Oh well Im going to bed and I am guessing I will lie awake wondering how to deliver this argument I just delivered here, in Spanish… It shall be interesting! And I literally CAN WAIT, thats right I CAN WAIT for it. Because I am not looking forward to whatever new things they will be throwing my way. However, this will be the 2nd, yes SECOND time they have wanted to talk to me about something, that goes out the window as a worrisome item when the person that is doing it has common-sense. I think they are just used to dealing with people like #2(if you don't understand this reference look at Days 78 & 115. Oh yeah! Speaking of #2! I have know had to defend both #1 (for reference start from Day 85 to now.) and #2 just on principle. Not so much defend as like smooth over waves they have started. And they don't even like me as a person! And everyone knows it, and I am still helping them out. Betcha they aren't doing the same for me! But it doesn't matter. 'Treat others as you want to be treated' right?! Ay Dio Mio! My eyes are tired. I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. But Lord help me if someone wakes me up with a shoe again! World War 3 would start inside me!! Alright, Im going to bed. Goodnight Day 120! Wow! Day 120! Trippy!!

Day 119-Monday, May 7th, 2012

Today I did NOT sleep in like I wanted to. :( I got up at 7. And grabbed a cup of what Rebe calls A-tole TOTALLY NOT a-tole by the way. And I have to put that little dash in there cause if I don't the spell checker on this thing changes it to stole << that. And that just doesn't make sense. ANYWAYS, then I went outside and washed my clothes by hand. There is a new weird tension building in this house, like we need another one right?! The girls seem to be at odds more then usual lately. Which makes it awkward to be in the same room as both of them. And also…well no both of them actually, have been acting just a wee out of bounds. Like past the room-mate boundaries and into like trying to take over a mom figure. And Im just like.. 'Haha yeah no!' These ladies don't realize who I am. They both still live at home with their parents and don't seem to work all that much. Like I have never heard Leti mention work, and I have only heard Rebe mention work when she is talking about make some sort of garment for someone. But like she does it as favors, never for actual work. And they are close to 30! Im not saying 30 is old, cause its not! But, 30 IS an old age to still be relying solely on your parents money, don't you think? I mean unless you really can NOT work whatsoever. But if they couldn't work they wouldn't be here on the Pioneer Route. ANYWAYS, since they don't work now, I wonder how they were when they were my age. I mean obviously they wouldn't have been working when they were 18/19-ish. Well, whatever perception they have of themselves at 18/19 is what they are perceiving of me. Which is not cool. I think everyone here, except Mayka, thinks this way of me. I don't agree or like it, whatsoever! But that is probably why I get along with Mayka so much. Cause she is actually a lot like me, and my family too! She has been working by herself as a single mom since she was 16. The single mom part is like my own awesome Mama Llama. The working since she was 16, if you subtract 6 and 4 years from that is like me and my Carin! :) She actually understands that just cause you might not have a lot of years under your belt, doesn't mean you are completely incompetent! Mayka is awesome!! I wish I could take her back with me. :) And Albin too! ANYWAYS, this new tension is giving off a bad vibe like if they keep it up, I might just after a long while of being patient and loving, you know I might just like lovingly rip their heads off! :) ha ha ha! No I won't do that, but like seriously its getting to the boiling point, the tipping point (if you will…let me use the title of an awesome book by Malcom Gladwell! OH MAN! I miss my books!) Either way, something is gonna go down soon and its not gonna be pretty. I have lessened my personal bubble space cause I knew we would be pretty tight in here, so my personal space isn't much. So as long as they don't step into it, I will be ok. Like seriously my personal space now involves, my self and my bed ONLY when I am sleeping. When I am not sleeping, and everything else is like open for business. The reason why I did this, was because I knew I would need too. For instance, before my personal space was my room and everything in it and myself. But, having 2 roommates that want to use-without-asking your things, would have started like World War 3 if I had you know my personal space bubble where it normally and should be. But I minimized it, not for my own comfort but for theirs, no sense causing waves when I don't actually HAVE to. Right? :) (Oh man! I have changed so much here!) Ok anyways, today was Monday so I went to Sereno. I sent out a couple of emails, posted my blog, updated some pictures on FB, (your welcome, by the way. haha) and talked with my Carin! My Mama Llama was in service so she told me she would call me later tonight! :) YEAH! I love talking to my Carin and my Mama Llama!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Day 118- Sunday, May 6th, 2012

Todays Watchtower was really good. We had 3 different families that came to visit the hall today, so it was packed full. It was nice, I only got to answer like 3 times, because there were so many hands up from the visitors. The talk was also very good, too. It was all about…umm..dang I don't remember hang on let me check my notas! Oh yeah! It was talking about the difference between hearing and listening to the counsel we get from the Bible. The differences in the meaning of the words and what they mean for us today. We pointed out the hearing something is easy, you can hear a truck pass by, you can hear the buzz of a bee. But listing, listing is different it involves hearing, then comprehending, then being moved to action. Listening is the most important thing to do when we are in the meeting and studying at home. We gave a few different examples of the two words. And then brought out the scripture in… Matthew 7:21-23, and said, "Its not what we say when we hear new information its what we think and do with it. Do we just hear it, and think thats good information and go off about our day, not having the information run through our minds again? Or do we think that was good information, and go about our day seeing how we can incorporate this new information in our everyday lives?" ((Side note: DUDE! This lollipop has brownie in the middle! :O thats incredible!" ok so yeah the talk was really good. Some really good points! Add that to the Watchtower study we had, and it was an awesome meeting! :) Then we came back, ate the last bit of Mole we had. Then after I finished cleaning the kitchen, I came into my room and decided to clean and re-organize it. Because as Jack D. would say ''Some times you have to take something good and change it, just to make it your own." So yes! I made it my own…again. Anyways, then I went to Mayka's cause we were going to watch Kung Fu Panda 2 with her. But an hour later the movie still wasn't started and we were just sitting there making fun of a talk show and the people on it. Haha. Then we DID start the movie. But Mayka is in the middle of training a new person for the store and this girl doesn't really have very much common sense, so Mayka had to keep going back out into the store until finally she just stayed out there. So me and Rebe finished watching the movie, we laughed quite a bit. And then we came back home, I brought some of their movies with me to see if any of them were in English. I got 3 that were, so I now have 3 new movies on my computer. Kung Fu Panda 2, something about a heist, and one about a shark attacking a beach I think. I don't know, anyways, I will watch them and if they are any good I will keep em on here, if not then I will just delete them. :) But right now, I am listing to some music and typing out here. :) Tomorrow I get to talk to my family. :D I like Mondays. I have decided I need to do something I look forward to each day, to help me stay not so stressed like the doctor told me. :) So this is what I got so far…Mondays = Talking with Family. Tuesdays = Running with my new exercise partners. Wednesday = _____ Thursday = Meeting Day. Friday = Awesome study day! :D Saturday = ________. Sunday = Meeting! Now I only have to figure out something awesome for Wednesdays and Saturdays. :) I'll figure something out. I always do.

I have been thinking a bit more about my un-finished thoughts of the other day. The more I think about it, the more I am not sure what I should do. Hmm…that is a double negative. Anyways, I am still thinking it all over, mulling it over, letting my mind grapes marinate the idea. :) We will see. Who knows. Just thinking about it, I wish someone would call me right now, out of the blue, you know. Just so that I could throw the idea back and forth a bit, with someone who actually cares about what I do. Haha. I have decided not to mention this idea to anyone else in the hall at the moment. Because, I have a funny feeling they will be like oh you can come live in this house with us and blah. The first 3 months I lived with a family. These 2nd set of 3 months, I am living with roommates and a couple. IF I stay for the 3rd set of 3 months I am GOING TO live on my own. I have decided unless who I am staying with are my family, or friends that I view as family, then I don't want to stay with them. Haha. Either way! IF I decide to stay here and teach for another 3 months then I am going to make ALL my plans I need to make BEFORE I inform the brothers and sisters here, cause frankly I do NOT want to live with anyone anymore. IF I stay here I am going to live by myself in my own cute little apartment. Well I am guessing its little, and cute. I am not really sure, oh well. I need to figure out exactly what I want to do. :) Right now its 8:10, and I am in the mood for french fries. So off I go to the kitchen! :)

FACT! I am about to watch the shark movie and probably get the junk scared out of me. Just so you all know. :) Also, my french fries were delicious and I am now enjoying a Seco/Juice drink. I am pretty sure I am the only one in the household that drinks, that is just a side note for you all. DUDE!! How can no one see that shark fin?! WOW!! No armed Maleek! How can they not realize?! Oh ok WHAT>! WHy would you jump back into the water?! What the heck are you looking for?!….Oh gross!!…hey thats a good idea why don't you go back and get the arm that the shark just chewed off?! Aww idiots!! …Stupid girl!! Oh yeah thats a good idea! You just made her like a floating chew toy!…Idiots!! Sharks can swim, stupid!! This is so stupid!…Oh wow!…thats incredible retarded!…Haha what a stupid sheriff…Isn't that dude the guy from 'Love Wrecked'?!..The dialogue in this movie is the worst!..Oh yeah, good idea. Why don't you just tell the half-man what really happened?!…Wow bad acting!! Wow bad story plot!..Who the heck let the ½ man out of the house?! What the what!! Why would you let the ½ man go into the water?!..DUDE! This movie is SOO stupid!!…WHAT?!?! You gotta be kidding me!!…Umm since when do sharks growl like dogs?!…Wow really?!..stupid Louisana hick! What the what?!..Oh no! Poor nerd man! !..Hmm so there is more then one I guess…WOW! That was trippy!!!…Oh mu gosh! What an idiot! On a jet ski?! Really?!…WHAT THE WHAT?!?!…HAaha the doctor just fainted…wait! What did the dog just eat?!…Oh there he is, idiot with a jet ski and a ½ man strapped to his back!…You idiot ½ man!..SO stupid!…Oops sheriff is no bueno! Stupid! Hahaha…Oh ok that was pretty cool on the sharks part!… This is a really weird movie…Aww poor doggie!…BAHAHA!!! SHARK WEEK, Loser!!…Hahaha..She's a pretty smart blonde, NOPE! She's an idiot!…Haha " just pretend its a carnival!"…Stupid! Where did he get the lighter?!..Oh nasty man! But pretty ironic too!..Oh yeah good idea. Jump in the water, IDIOT!…Yeah your in a cage! Dummy!! This movie is SO STUPID!! How dd it even make the cut to be a movie?!… Stupid! I am pretty sure the dog was died!..:WHAT?!..Its over?! No its not your still trapped there!! WHAT?! Oh yeah such a romantic moment! …Probably the WORST movie I have ever seen! Yep Im pretty sure thats the stupidest thing, I've ever seen. MAN! I wanted to be scared in this movie! Well if anyone wants to ever watch the stupidest movie in the world! I recommend this one. Its LAME! So retarded! Ad now its 10:48…luckily I have one more that I haven't seen. But I wanted a scary one, tonight! Lame! Lets try this one instead ….

Something about a heist!- Man! Ben Stiller is starting to look really old…bahaha!!…The BK, haha!…hahaha!.."Hello, nice to meet you, I squat."…Bahaha!!!…Oh snaps man!…Aww sad…Oh no! Old man! NO!!…Oh good he isn't dead…Oh wow! Poor old man!…Oh snaps man!…Bahaha!..Oh man! I want to hit that guy!!…Oh that is SUPER lame! Bahaha!! She was Korean!…Haha Marvin!…Haha ok that was a funny movie! And its now 12:30!! :O Good thing tomorrow is Monday and I don't have to get up so early!Well Goodnight All. Goodbye Day Day 118. I do believe I shall dream of my un-decided thought. :) Let my mind grapes have a go at it. :)

Day 117- Saturday, May 7th, 2012

Today I had made plans to go out in service with Ingrid. So I did, she is really sweet. I keep forgetting that she is only 16! Everyone here looks not their ages…You know its really too bad she doesn't have better role models here. All of the girls in the hall actually, they desperately need role-models, or they will turn out to be like…well…not ideal. Anyways, in the group today I asked them all about the classes that Brian gave and they decided I should do that too and just move here…Hahaha no! Im not moving here, but they thought it would be a good idea and that it would work, for me to stay here and work a bit, after my assignment ends of course. Cause we are not allowed to work while on the route. I think the couple take that a little too literally because they don't do their own laundry and they don't help clean the house. But whatever. Anyways, when I got home we brought the Quintero family (Nixon, Ruby, Nix Jr., and Made) with us and we made them Spanish rice, Mole, and Tortillas. They all thought it was super hot and it was rather sweet. For being so close to Columbia these folks here don't eat anything spicy! Its weird.Anyways, when they left I cleaned the whole kitchen and then went into my room. I started studying my Watchtower and then started thinking about my un-ended thought of yesterday and remembered that scripture that says something like…hang on I'll totally butcher it, let me find it…DAH! I don't remember where it is… Hizah! I found it! Luke 14:28- "Who of you that wants to build a tower does not first sit down and calculate the expense, to see if he has enough to complete it?" So I decided just to see, if I could pull off the whole stay-three-more-months-while-supporting-yourself-as-the-only-English-teacher-here… Everyone has told me there will be a WHOLE bunch of people that will want to take lessons. They also told me that in Sereno, where the High School is, an extra math class or tutoring class is $5. So I put one and one together. and I made up a BCS (Best Case Scenario) and a WCS(Worst Case Scenario) page. Something that my mom and 'Naomi' taught me how to do. I also made a possible schedule to see where working would fit in to my Pioneer Schedule and meeting days and times. My best case scenario was based on everyone's ''lots of people'' would sign up for classes. Here ''lots of people'' is like 70. So my BCS is 60. My WCS is 20 people. Anyways, if I wanted to live here comfortably, which would be ideal, according to the guest-amite that Osiris gave me about the rent, I would need about $200.00 USD each month. Not to bad. WCS with only 20 people signing up, shows that I would make that amount in the first week of the month. Not to bad right?! :D IF and I mean IF I were to decide to do this, I could actually possible save the money my mom is having to send me and when I get back to Mexico, pay her back that would be awesome! Anyways, its still just a thought of starting to think about thinking about maybe staying here a little bit longer…Anyways, my Watchtower is nice and studied now. And its my FAVORITE time of night! :D I kind of wish someone would call me right now, I am in the mood to talk to people that I know, love, and someone I can speak English with. :) Oh well. I got a lot of thinking to do right now, anyways. Don't need the distraction. Hmm…BLACK COFFEE is actually not too bad, I have no creamer, and no milk. And the couple finished theirs already so I can't even sneak a few drips. Oh yeah! So I found out some more info the couple WAS IN FACT, going to leave last month. BUT when the elders got all of us together, they pretty much got the answer of 'Seriously?!' and got just a wee bit lectured and got put into the spot light, so THATS WHY they didn't go home right then. Apparently though, they are still going to go home early, as in this month they should be gone before the month ends! Interesting? I think yes! There assignment is like the rest of ours, its until the end of June. Very interesting. Oh well, I also found out that this is also their first route. Something tells me they aren't going to be doing another one. Just some reason I think they are not going to do it. Oh yeah ANYWAYS…I have lots of things to think about tonight. And I am drinking straight up black coffee at 9:40. ((ITS IN ABOX!)) Bahaha! Ok well I am bored now! I finished my coffee and I am cold now, because I am outside in my ''Favorite Study Time" spot. And thats it. :) Its 10:30p.m. and my nails are dry-ish, I think. So, I think its a good time to call it a night and go to bed. :) The only problem is that, I am watching a REALLY good movie right now. (Bathroom Break!) Well this seems like a good place to stop for the night. So Goodnight Day 117.

Day 116- Friday, May 6th, 2012

Ah. Today was a good day. I went in service in the morning like always, came home for lunch. Then I went back out in the afternoon to go study with Eira and Osiris. Well when I got to Eira's house I was there for like 20 minutes and then her parents showed up and they were going to eat all together, so I left. I walked up to Osiris's house and, Can you believe it?! I was there for like 3 hours I think. I like being there with them though. They remind me a little bit of people i have left behind. Daniela told me today that the first day I came to their house she thought, hmm that girl is going to be my best friend. haha. She is crazy but very sweet. She also told me that I wasn't allowed to go back to Mexico. And couldn't I please please PLEASE stay longer? Osiris seemed to like this suggestion and told me that she had looked into some things for me. Apparently a few years back there was some American guy named, Brian (here pronounced Breee-in) and he taught English classes at the school. Anyways there was some sort of house built just in case he wanted to stay there. Its like a little apartment. but now nobody lives in it. Anyways, she found out that what I could do is, when I finish up my time here at this house/restaurant/place in July. I could move into the other little house, coincidentally like a 3 minute walk up-hill to her house, and I can teach some English classes for a little bit. Im not saying I am going to do it, but it got me thinking. I mean, I wouldn't actually stay here for like ever ya know. But just maybe JUST MAYBE I could stay a few more months. I got here in January my assignment was for 6 months, so next month is supposed to be my last month here, then I am supposed to go home. SUPPOSED TO should stand out in that sentence. I mean think about it. I don't have any pressing matters that I have to get back to, I don't have any sick parents, I don't have some amazing guy waiting for me to get back to marry me. (sadly) And even if I did on that last one, it would kinda have been the opportune moment to tell me what he felt BEFORE I left. Or like now, would be nice. Haha. Anyways, I don't have any of that to get back to. And my study with Osiris is going SO WELL right now, it would be a total bummer to leave it to someone else right now. :( I already had to do that when I moved from Irapuato and that was pretty lame, cause its taken me this long to find another honest-hearted person. ANYWAYS, nothing and no one is pulling me back home…But then again I do miss my friends and family and dog and city…BUT I am already here. The chances of me coming back to Panama and then coming back here are very VERY slim. Not like I don't want to come back, but there are SO MANY OTHER places I want to go to. And besides I already have tentative plans for next year's travel expedition with my CARIN! :D YEAH! Although I will have been here in total at the end of my assignment for 6 months! Which is a lot! Its half a year!! 3 more months, would make it 3/4ths of a year. Thats a long time, right?! But time goes by fast, and so does having the ability to keep up with the ambitions you have. I need to think about this like SERIOUSLY think…Don't know how I am going to ask my family what they would think about me staying here for longer…Well Carmen won't get back from Peru until October anyways. But then that means my Mama Llama will be all alone for 4 months instead of 3…hmm…maybe its not such a good idea…I don't want to leave her all alone, ya know. We kinda had an unspoken agreement that when Carmen would leave I would come back…Hmm…maybe I do have something that I need to get back for…responsibility! Hmm who knows. I need to think a little bit more about this. So I am leaving this un-ended thought out there for the void. Side note: The couple here is totally using the gas us girls are paying for, they thought I wasn't home and I came into the kitchen and they were cooking on our stove. Mind you these are the people that opted to use the lame electric 2 burner stove cause they didn't want to pay for gas. And now they are using ours. Hmm…Interesting! Good night Day 116.

Day 115-Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

Well today, I did it. I stayed in bed like a bum until 8 o'clock!! And then I was bored of sleeping in. Haha. So I got up, again there was no water! Day 3 without running water. I made a mix of a breakfast, which was surprisingly very healthy! An egg, ½ a delicious mango that Osiris and Daniela gave me, some banana slices, and a handful of Corn Flakes! :) It was quite good! Then I went and got a bucket of creek water and brought it back to the house and washed ALL the dishes that have accumulated, because yesterday the ladies washed NOTHING! Because they didn't want to go get water. Nice right?! Anyways, I washed all the dishes cleaned the kitchen. Then went and got two buckets of water and showered in creek water. It was weird. haha. Then came back out, changed into my comfy blue shirt and my Elvis boxers and swept the whole house and outside in the back. When I went to sweep the outside in the front I realized how again dirty it looked. I also now know I am the only one that cares about what the front of our house looks like. So I swept the concrete porch and steps and then went back inside and got a plastic bag and started picking up the garbage. That is the only bad thing about living next to a store, is that the people walking this direction have just enough time to open their wrappers, eat the contience and then throw it on our patch of grass. Not cool! But, whatever. I cleaned it all up. When I finishing up I found a good amount of rope. So I went into the store with Mayka to ask her if it was hers and if she wanted it. There were 2 older gentlemen there and they were talking about the 'Loco' that was there last night. Since I had no idea what they were talking about I asked the three of them who was the loco. The older gentlemen started laughing and started talking about how a few years ago, he wasn't crazy. Then one decided to inform us that in a few years he is going to take the place of the 'Loco' because everyone is super nice to him. We started laughing and then both the guys had to go back to work or whatever they do with their time. One of them told me he could take the garbage and I was like 'Oh ok…thanks.' Saves me a trip to burn it! So thats awesome! So I asked Mayka who was the crazy. Well she says. 'He is always picking up the garbage outside of the store and he never has shoes on.' We both looked down at my bare feet and bust out laughing. 'And he is always in his boxers!' She said making us laugh harder. Oh good I guess I am THE loca here. haha But its not like I didn't know that already. Well while we were laughing we heard water running and saw that the water came back on. So I had to run back to the house, because everyone in my house, checks every morning if the water is running and when its not they leave the faucets on. So I ran to the 4 different faucets we have and shut them all off and went back to the store. Where she told me I should go and dump out the buckets of creek water and fill them with the running water. So I did. Then I emptied the buckets of the couple and filled them too. When I finished I went back to the store. Mayka said she had some more buckets for us in her house. So I went through the store and into her house. But there were none. So she told me that she would bring them to us later. I said ok. So I started walking back through the store, I could hear the bus coming and then stop as someone got on. Well when I got to the entrance of the store guess who it was? Yup. Mr. Rico….Dorian. I froze and suddenly became extremely conscious of being in my boxers. Haha. He was looking the other way, so I basically sprinted to around the corner of the store. Then I jumped over all three steps, which would have been surprising if I didn't almost biff it as I landed. But I kept going, sprinted to the door, pushed it open and jumped inside. As I turned around to close the door, I saw him starring at me. He just saw me sprint away from him, jump over 3 steps, almost biff it, and then jump into my house. He was smiling, obviously holding back some sort of laugh at how pitiful I just looked trying to get away from him. Nice! So, what could I do? I slammed the door!! As it was closing I saw him start laughing. Good lord! I hope no one else was looking at me, to see me do that. Haha. I came inside, and Rebe asked 'Why did you slam the door?' So I told her, and she started laughing. 'And your in your boxers!! BAHAHAHA!!" Thanks! Anyways, now I am telling all of you about it. So that I can again be laughed at…Why do I tell you guys so much embarrassing stuff?! Thats a good question, why do I? Ah yes, because I am good at making people laugh. :)

I do realize though that lately you guys probably not laughed much at what I have written here, sorry about that. :( Imma try to keep it positive and embarrassing. haha. OH JUNK!! I just realized what time it is!! Its 12:51. Our meeting starts at 4. and I haven't studied anything yet! And its the review!!

---Back from meeting---

So I feel like everything was just explained to me…probably cause it was. Okay start from the beginning. There are obvious problems going on with two people here. We will call them #1 and #2. Well, I was all for throwing in the towel and basically giving up on the fact that they would hate me for the rest of my life. Although, I have done nothing to deserve or bring on this hatred from them, I can do nothing about it. Well this is what I learned tonight, something that was SO obvious to Rebe and Leti from comments and actions of #1 and #2. So this is what I learned and was shocked by. #1 doesn't hate me. She is terrified of me. She is terrified that I have the power to take something away from her, in a blink of an eye, if I wanted to. Thats why she acts like she does. She is terrified that I could destroy everything for her. Mainly her marriage-life. I have no idea why, but she is terrified that I could win over her husband if I wanted to. Apparently she doesn't realize that just because I like older guys DOES NOT mean like grandpa-old. It means like…well not THAT old. Anyways, she told the other girls here, a few different things. And they put it the story together and then BAM! They realized why she gets so mad when her husband is nice to me. Why she doesn't happen to like me as a person. And why she always seems to be blocking her husband from me. She's scared of the "power" I might have. This fact, explains so much. But also makes me sad for her. And also somewhat guilty about whatever I might have done to make her feel like this. And it makes me feel even more guilty when I realize I haven't done anything. I have just been being myself and that terrifies her. Its sad, right?! Very much so. #2 does kind of hate me, but not for the reasons one would think! Well actually I have no idea what other reasons there might be but whatever. She dislikes me because every time she sees me, she sees what she isn't. Every time she sees me, its like Im 'not purposely, but naturally' rubbing it in her face, what she isn't. I am not sure exactly what she sees in me that makes her so mad about, but its something. I have no idea what she could see in me though. The only things I can tell off the bat…off the back… off the something… are the things that define her for her. She is actually very much how I USED TO BE, before…well…before I changed for the better about a year or so ago. Before, I was super hot-tempered like seriously ANYTHING would set me off and did set me off. I was jealous of everyone else for one reason or another. Never happy about what I looked like. Always picking people apart in my mind, which just made me more bitter. Inmature. Thinking I knew what was best for me and that no one else ''understood''. I was super flirty with certain people, (there is a difference she is known for being a flirt with anything male that moves, sadly). I "knew" the world MUST revolve around me. I was…. I was a child. And then BAM! Reality check came in, for not the first time in my life. And I decided to change. Cause this is the thing, when something seemingly horrible happens to you, you can do one of a few things. a) You can sit around, moping forever and feel sorry for yourself your whole life. b) Realize that you had no power over the situation and ''move on'' but still carry resentment about it for the rest of your life. OR c) Honestly see the good and the bad and the stuff in between the whole ordeal, find lessons, learn the lessons, and then leave everything, except the lessons, in the past and actually move on, making yourself a smarter, better, more mature person then before. I like to think and hope that I did option c) because I honestly think I am smarter then a year ago (Pre-Life lesson), Im better then I was in all aspects then a year ago. And I am definitely more mature then I was a year ago…Hmm…maybe thats it! Maybe thats why! When she had her Perfect-World-Bubble pop she chose and option. But she choose Option a), maybe thats why she is so annoyed by me. Because she knows I chose Option C)… I don't know its possible, its actual probable. Add this new burst of knowledge to the fast that Dorian isn't giving her the time of day anymore, but is unfortunately giving me all the time in the day. Add this too the fact, she knows about him making such a scene, and she can see he is still continuing because every time we pass he smiles and waves at me. Add this to the fact, that I can tell she misses him and yes in fact, would get back with him, if he gave her the chance. (That last part sadly is not just me thinking, its becoming a common fact among…well….everyone. Except for her parents.) Add all that up and you got why, she dislikes me, in a strange twisted way. What I take away from all of this new knowledge is that…well 1) I have two people behind me, incredibly jealous of anything I do, or have done to me. Even though, they really have no reason to be jealous. I mean come on! Look at me! Nuff Said Man! 2) Things are NEVER how you first think they are. 3) I am very glad I didn't start retaliating back at them, cause then I would actually have something to feel guilty about, more then just being alive that is. 3) It is NEVER a good idea to compare yourself with other people. Its like I am constantly having to re-remember this. 4) I think just maybe, JUST MAYBE its possible I hold more cards then I think I do. Cause like if I didn't known of this jealousy stuff would make sense. Don't worry its not going to go to my head cause its a 'just maybe, JUST MAYBE' thought. But it gives me something that I can ponder on next time, I feel really down about being me. You never know! just maybe JUST MAYBE I have something going for me….just maybe…Thoughts?

-----After hours-----

This is my favorite time of day. Around 9 o'clock. Everyone else is winding down in the rooms and going to sleep and I get to come outside in the pack covered porch area, and study. I get to study whatever I want. I have my little make-shift table and my chair and my books and my coffee and I am happy here. This is the best part of my night, right here. I can be myself in this study time, that I have. If I need to cry and can muster up the tears, I can. No one can see me, no one can hear me. This is my favorite time of the night, its just my personal time to study and meditate. :) I love this time! I just finished preparing for my study with Eira for tomorrow, 'Family Happiness' Book. The material for Osiris's study is already studied from a previous Bible study in Mexico, BUT I am going to re-read and think about it. Its important to figure out beforehand what points you want to bring out. What illustrations will reach the heart of your student. Because they are all different. Tomorrow I will also talk with Osiris about starting each study with a prayer. I am never sure as to when I should start, starting the study with a prayer. If I do it to early they might feel uncomfortable seeing as they are just barely learning the basics. If I start to late, they will wonder why I didn't start beforehand. But I think this is a good time to start with her, she is sincere about learning. The other day when we were walking, we were talking about…hmmm…what were we talking about. Oh yeah! Somehow we got on the topic of how we are both single. And she said her plan was to keep studying, finish her university education, continue working in her little store, build her house up a little nicer, and then she wanted to find a man, on her terms. A good man, she mentioned no one here would qualify, seeing as the only "good" one was related to her (Dorian). Anyways, the point is. She wants to keep studying its in her plans. And it was the first thing that she mentioned, which was nice to hear. Anyways, this is a good time to start I do believe. :) I got some scriptures ready for the conversation… Ezra 7:10- He prepared his heart to consult the law of Jehovah and to do it. Acts 16:14,15- Jehovah opened Lydia's heart wide to pay attention to the words being spoken. Nehemiah 8:5,6,8,12- Ezra opened the book…he blessed Jehovah…to which the people answered 'Amen! Amen!'… They went off happy 'for they had understood the words that had been made known to them." Ta-da! I don't think I will need the scriptures with her, but either way I am prepared for it! :) Today's personal study session for the night will be her questions from last week. Since I was gone on Wednesday, the day I had planned to research it all, I have to do it tonight, because I study with her tomorrow. I pretty much explained to her that when the Bible says the 144,000 are virgins (Rev. 14:4) its speaking of their spiritual sense. So now I need to look up some information on Revelation 21:2, in specific 'New Jerusalem' and how its a symbolic city coming down out of heaven not a literal one. But what is an easy-to-understand explanation of what the New Jerusalem represents, without making her completely confused and have more questions. ((Oh Ow! Stress headache!! But why?!…I know why actually…))

Day 114-Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012

Well in total I have now spent $213.00 USD on medical expenses here. Isn't that just lovely?! :D Im so excited to be able to waste my and now my mothers money like that! :) ITs so AWESOME! I am so privileged to be able to spend this kind of money! :l My mom had to send me money today. $2500.00 Mexican Pesos, which with the conversion rate and the fee for taking it out of the bank, gave me $180.00 USD. Technically I would have $180.00 for the month of May. Which is more then enough, so technically I would have been able to spread, but SPREAD it out for about a month and a half. But thats technically, not literally. Because literally. The second I had the money in my wallet, and closed my wallet. Walked to the next building over, I had to open my wallet again and pay the laboratory and doctor and then pharmacy. And guess how much I got the privilege of wasting today on that? Doctors visit- $10.00USD Laboratory Exams- $ 36.00USD Pharmacy drugs- $50.00. Thats right I spent $95.00USD today on medical bills. Which means in total I have now spent $213.00USD on medical expenses!! So $180.00 MINUS $95.00 EQUALS $85 dollars left… Monthly expenses at the house is $50.00. Which means I would have $35.00USD left for the month, thats for transportation and internet and minutes on my phone. BUT then I had to buy a few necessities for the month and the house which took out $10.00. Leaving $25.00 for the month. Then of course, since I was out of the house I had to buy food for lunch, spend money on transportation, and FINE FINE! I splurged and treated myself today, and do you know what?! Tampons! Tampons and a $2.00 thing of Seco!! That was my treat! Seriously! How sad is that! Either way take out another $18.30 for all of that. PLUS I had bought Mayka the kind of folder she has been looking for and needing in her store. It was going to be a gift to say 'Thank You' for being so awesome lately and taking me to 2 different doctors and lending me money and take care of all of us. It would have been a really lame gift in comparison for everything she has done for us and continues to do. But it was all I could get. $3.00 and the stupid ugly face man, didn't put the folder in my bag and I was running to catch the bus and I didn't check to see if it was in there. So I bought the stupid folder but left the store without it. The store lets this guy "help" although it just slows everything down. Because he is very slow, in many ways. Sadly he is like a big child. Anyways, every piece of merchandise he asks if he should put it in the bag with the others. He slows all the lines down, but they still let him "help" out. I have no problem with that, but seriously! I don't have money to be wasting. He said something about how pretty my folder was, and that he really liked it. And then its not there. Come on! UGH! Whatever, either way! I now had $16.00 left for the month…Transportation back home took $3.30 on the bus and then because this bus also took SOOOO long to get to Sereno I missed the bus going back to San Antonio and had to take a taxi. Normally $10.00, the oh so nice taxi man only charged me $8.00 thank goodness. But still how much does that leave me for the rest of the month?! $16.00 - $11.00 EQUALS $5.00. I have FIVE DOLLARS and the month literally just started yesterday! And I am supposed to not be stressing anymore. So my doctor told me. Oh yeah! I have a parasite! and now an infection! and according to him WAY TOO MUCH STRESS in my life! He literally told me 'You can't continue like this! Its dangerous! It makes the infection worse and the stress is what is making you the most sick. You need to change something drastic and quick. Change what gives you the most stress. Just get rid of it, and then you should be better.' So now I just have to figure out how to get rid of THEM and get more money and not kill myself from the stress oh yeah and I have $5.00 to do it with! WOW!! STRESS-HEADACHE! Oh good lord its a BIG one! I don't think it was a good idea to buy the Seco cause the first thing that ran through my mind right now was 'I need a drink!' YIKES! I am going to go to bed now, before I am tempted to drink all of the Seco tonight. Plus to get rid of my headache I am going to bed. I have no money people! You can't live without money! And Im $5.00 away from being COMPLETELY out! Oh yeah! PLUS, it costs $3.30 to get back to Volcan in case I get more money. So really I have $1.70!! for the month! Do you really realize how expensive Panama is?! Its basically American prices here for stuff. Can anyone reading this, live the whole month with a dollar seventy?! I don't think so! I need help. I think I should see a shrink or something for all this stress. But then I would be in debt even worse. PLUS I still owe Mayka money for the first Volcan medical expenditure AND Nixon! Oh good lord! I need a…sleep. Im going to bed. Oh yeah ,side note. AGAIN 2nd day we don't have ANY water in the house !That won't be stressful for me at all! When I get super stressed if I work out I feel better. But I can't really do Insanity and get all my stress and anger out in an hour and a ½ workout when there is no water to wash way the sweat! oh wow! I need something. I need a good night sleep and something to calm me down. But then we meet the problem I mentioned to all of you that last nights blog. Im going insane people. I can't keep up like this! Like seriously! The doctor literally told me I CAN NOT keep up like this. His face was really stern and he was like for your health you CAN'T do it! Only old people are supposed to hear things like that, oh my goodness, I am like an old person on the inside. My organs must be all smoothy and old looking! I think I need a good night sleep and a good cry. Neither of which are going to happen. Im also STILL dehydrated so I literally can't spare the moisture to cry. I need something people, and whatever it is. I ain't getting it right now. Still open for any and every suggestion you might have out there! Night world.

Day 113- Tuesday, MAY 1st, 2012!

Dudes! Its May already!! What?!?! I know!!! DUDE!

Well its Tuesday night, I went out in service in the morning until 1. Then came home had a nice lunch with the girls. This morning I once again tried to befriend and tame the beast…to no avail. :( Oh well, Im trying. After lunch everyone took off, and I took a wonderful cold shower… :l Yeah. Im sadly getting used to the cold water, when I get home I will probably burn or something using normal luke-warm water. haha. Anyways, I took a shower and got ready. Today I felt like putting on make-up, so I did. Then I waited for the bus to take me up to Osiris house. You see both, of us have wanted a workout partner for a while now and we can't find anyone. So today I went up and we walk/ran probably about a mile out from her house and a mile back. It was AWESOME! Her daughter, Daniela came with us. That kid is funny crazy. Its like a flashback of when I was little when I am with her. :) I actually really enjoyed our few hours together, they did too. We laughed a lot, talked a lot, and sweat a lot. Haha. Surprisingly I didn't sweat as much as I thought I was going to. So thats good. When we were making our way back the fog/clouds were rolling in over the mountains and hills. It was really beautiful and refreshing. :) When we got back to her house a whole bunch of people (her family) was there. Her mother, father, sister-in-law, sister,nephew, other sister. Her house is small so it seemed like a HUGE amount. Haha. They invited me to have dinner but it was already getting dark, so I decided to get changed back into my normal clothes and then I took off. They are all super nice. If they invite me to stay for dinner next time, I will. Just not today. It was 7 again when it got super dark so after the first 2 turns in the road Mayka called me and asked me if I was almost home. :) I love Mayka she is a good sister/neighbor/sub-Panama-mom. She is awesome! The more I spend time with her the more I realize how much she reminds me of my own mom. :} Aww. Anyways, when I got home, instead of going to the store like I usually do, I went straight into my house and plopped down on my bed. Rebe told me Albin had been looking for me a few times so I went back out to the store. Mayka and Albin were both there. Albin needed help on his English homework and I was too tired from running and then walking from Osiris's house to mine to tell him to do most of the work, so I ended up doing it all. Oops. Kinda dropped the ball on that one, I guess. Thats not good! Anyways, I told him the next time, I wouldn't be so tired so he would have to do at least 75% of it. Haha. Anyways, then I came back here to the house and the room. The girls were both flopped on their bed so I followed the current and flopped on mine. Now its 8:40 I am exhausted and none of us have eaten dinner. And I am figuring out that everyone is waiting for someone else to start dinner. Haha. I think I will go and be awesome and whip us together something. :) Yeah Im that awesome! Oh yeah. Tomorrow I am going to Volcan in the morning, to a) Get money. b) Get my medical exams done. c) Look for some groceries. and then possibly d) Depending on the exams, I might be super depressed and 'have a Treat Yo Self' lunch. Meaning Pizza and Beer. YEAH! Oh good goly gosh SALAD!! Ok no matter what I will be getting a salad. Depending on the results, I might be getting something else…Im not sure how I feel about the whole getting results done. Do you think its possible all of this is just from stress? I mean my hair has been falling out a lot lately. Add the stomach problems, crazy headaches, not being able to sleep, never seeming to get enough rest, and feeling basically horrible for about a month now…It could just be super bad stress…Wow. I have been in this house for almost a month! Hmm…it could be stress. I am hoping its stress. Brother Nixon told the girls that if the exams said it was something really serious they would send me back home…I have decided that no matter what the exams say, I will like usual with medical things, keep a straight face. And look normal and happy on the outside…UGH! I am starting to stress out more about these stupid 5 exams!! I gotta use the bathroom I will be back… AGH! I can't even go to the bathroom because there is no water! :( This is a lame smoosh of a night. :( Does anyone else know how it feels to have a roommate you is CONSTANTLY stating the complete obvious?! Its annoying. Does anyone else know how it feels to always have to pause and take a breath before entering your house? Its annoying. Does anyone else know how it feels to, once you do go inside, have a hush fall over ever room as if they were JUST talking about you? Its annoying. Does anyone else know how I feel right this moment, What emotion is knocking on the door? Its Annoying! :l Im going to bed. Somewhat satisfied with the dinner I ate, but not completely. And then extremely tired and annoyed with my roommates and housing situation at the moment. I want one night in a regular housing situation with no drama. Is that too much to ask for? Just one night? Where I can actually have a good night sleep, without an extremely loud monstrous snorer in the next room. And without an extremely drooly and gargling snorer next to me. And without an extremely loud waker-upper in the middle of the night to cough and make it sound like she is dying, while she is still sleeping. And without two SUPER loud people who live in the same house as me, and when they get up at 6 in the morning, they feel like the whole world should be up so they purposely make a bunch of noise. And without a super oblivious roommate ALWAYS throwing stuff on my bed in the wee moments of 6:30 when I am still TRYING to sleep, and then poking me, or sitting on the side of my bed, or starring at me until I can feel her, or doing some other annoying task in the middle of the 6th hour of the morning. Just one peaceful sleep with no snoring, no poking, no starring, no heavy things plopping out of nowhere and scaring me awake, no loud people disrupting my very-much-needed slumber. One a comfy bed. Is that too much to ask for? I don't really think it is. Especially since I am not asking for anything crazy like, a feather comforter and a bed you melt into when you lay down, and the room temperature being cold but the blankets being heavy and warm, so that only your face is cold. Or an actual breakfast in bed. Or soft fuzzy jammers. Or an ACTUAL pillow, instead of my wrapped up jacket stuffed into a pillow case. Or quiet, minus the air conditioning which keeps your room like the inside of a cave. Or being able to just sleep for as many hours as your body needs, without any distractions or awakenings. Im not asking anything crazy just ONE actually GOOD night sleep! That is all that I am asking…Is that too much?! I don't think it is. Cause I know for a fact, if I was spending a night with Shannon I would have a good amount of those things to check off. Same as if I was spending a night with Mali and Cristina. Thats all I want, one good night sleep. Please! …But I am not going to get it. And do you know why? Because its 10 already and I have to be ready to walk out of the door with my exam samples, already eaten my breakfast and taken my pills and ready and packed for the day BY 7:30!!! Which means getting up at 6:30 at least. No. EARLIER! 6 because thanks to not having water. I can't shower right now! YEAH! 6 o'clock! Unless I am going to run in the park with Jaz, Sandy, and my sister I don't even want to THINK about that hour. Plus, I DO live in the conditions I just stated. And I am not pleased with it AT ALL tonight. >:{ Goodnight! Side Note: I found out that Osiris is related to Mr. Rico-Suave, today. I don't know why, but its like not only is everyone related to him but everyone is bringing him up lately in conversation. And always wanting to know what I think of him. Its weird. But for some reason talking about him with Osiris wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. She started off like. "Isn't it true that the bus driver isn't ugly." And I was like "What? Who? Which one?" and she said "Dorian. Do you think he is ugly?" My only response was laughing, and saying "Noooooo. I don't think anyone thinks he is ugly" to which she said "I know! He is part of my family and even I know he is beautiful" Haha. She is funny. I now know a little bit more about him…For instance, he WAS in the States a few years back, but he was there illegal and then he got caught and sent back here. But the chick he was with there was knocked up and didn't come back with him. She is now a Jehovah's Witnesses. If you can believe that! Also he WAS not so good-looking when he was younger apparently this beauty sprouted after high school. He DOES have a whole bunch of ladies after him. He DOES have a lot of different "friends". But it sounds like only one "Girl-Friend". Osiris DOES NOT like the thought of them together. Because she knows he isn't happy and has other women and she knows the chick has other boyfriends and doesn't make Dorian happy. So she doesn't really like them together. Daniela DOES NOT like her as a person, this is a fact she added to our conversation. Osiris thinks that MAYBE someday Dorian will find the "right" one and finally be happy. But she is POSITIVE it won't be with anyone from here. 'She would have to be a foreigner, for sure!' She said. I just agreed and kept walking. She thinks it is sad that he isn't happy with the people he has, and really wants him to find a "GOOD" person, cause apparently he is a "GOOD" person, on the inside. I also now know that he DOES have ''plata'' as they say here. Which means he has money. Not like a millionaire but he has money. I also know that he has his own land and is apparently really a good farmer and has a few fields to prove it. he also DOES in fact have a motorcycle but barely uses it, since he drives the bus all day. He IS in fact 33 years of age this year. Even though, he doesn't look that old…you know I am not sure if he doesn't look that old. OR if the more time that goes by, the less I think that 33 is so far away. It really isn't all that far away for me, ya know. 14 years only in difference…hmm…interesting… Well I think that is it that I know about him. Oh yeah his daughter is 5 now, but the girl stayed in the USA, and so i don't think he has ever seen her. But he only has one offspring as far as everyone knows. He has definitely had his share of ladies, but Osiris thinks he is getting bored of so many random idiots running through his life. He apparently has told Osiris, in confidence by the way, so I think its kinda funny she is telling me all this, He is only with his "girlfriend" to pass the time and so that he isn't "alone". Just to say that he has a girlfriend basically. Which I can kind of understand, just wanting to have someone to be able to feel like your not completely alone in the world. Even if its just saying you have someone…Hmm…he almost seems like he is a normal actual nice guy…At the end of our conversation, I actually kind of felt bad for him. No one, no matter how Rico-Suave they seem on the outside, should be alone if they don't want to be…Hmm…I am not sure how to think of him know. Which confuses me which stresses me out. Which reminds me of everything else I am stressed out about, which makes me irritated. Which reminds me about the time of night. Which makes me look at the clock, which makes me realize it i 10:43. Which makes me realize how tired I am, and that I still have to clear my bed off and take my contacts out. Which makes me say ''Goodnight Day 113

Day 112- Monday, April 30th, 2012

Today was kind of another stood smoosh of a morning. No like seriously I felt like i was smooshing around all morning, I smooshed out of bed. I smooshed into the kitchen, I smooshed to wash my clothes. SEE! It was a smoosh of a morning. Anyways, I took a shower. Got ready for the day, and headed to Rio Sereno. At least I wanted to. I was, like always, early at the store. Waiting for the bus. The bus is SUPPOSED to leave at 1:30 from up on top of the hill and then be done by the store no later then 1:40. I usually get to my bus stop (the store right next door) around a ½ hour early. Today, like so, I was there at 1. I was there at 1:30. I was also there at 1:50. And I was still there waiting with my ever-so-fleeting-fast-patience when the bus decided to pull up at…2:15. Dumb ol Mr. Rico-Suave was driving the bus. I was irritated actually prior to seeing him, because at 1:45 it started to rain a LOVELY LOVELY rain, and I was made cause I knew that meant the bus driver (whoever it might be) probably wouldn't leave his house or office or hut or spaceship or outhouse or lord-knows-what until the rain died down a little. This made me mad, but then it made me even madder because today I could really have gone for a walk in the rain. I love walking in the rain, because its like the rain strips away your problems and tears and emotions that you have for-the-saftey-of-others-bottled-up-inside-you. And the rain just comes and takes it all away. Well, I was mad because 1) Now I would be late. and 2) If I didn't get to Sereno before the rain stopped I wouldn't be able to walk in it. and 3) The rain stopped at 2:12 and 4) I am mad at Mr. Rico-Suave (Dorian) and his stupid face! and then when I boarded the bus I got a very rude question asked of me and it made me madder and I wanted to march right on up to Dorian and slap him, but I don't believe that would have been the best thing to do at the moment. Do you want to know what additional factors made me want to smack the stupid off his face?? Of course you do! Ok, so I get on the bus, mind you I am mad because I don't get to walk in the rain now. And the helper dude, a different one from the times before. This one is named something really retarded. I actually honestly believe his name is Gravy. Just spelt different. What kind of dumb name is that?! Thats like naming your kids 'Mack' and 'Cheese' OH MY GOSH! I totally call those names, nobody gets them! I call dibs…Ok back to reality…Where was I? Ah yes stupidly named Gravy. So Gravy walks down the aisle to my seat and asks…

'How are you?'

'Im fine thanks.'

'Why are you sitting back here?'

'Uhh I don't know. Because, because…because yes.'

'Your mad at him, huh?'

'What? Mad at who?"

"Your mad at your boyfriend."

"What? No. What boyfriend?" And then he did a stupid Panamanian thing they do here, which is instead of pointing or nodding your head in a certain direction you literally pucker your lips in the direction you want someone's attention to go to. It LITERALLY looks like you are blowing kisses at whatever your talk about. Its stupid and smooshy. (Smooshy is not a good word for me today in case you haven't noticed) Well he smooshed his lips in Dorian's direction. And as I looked up toward the front of the bus, I saw his eyes for a split second looking at me in the rear view mirror. (SIDE NOTE: Does anyone else feel that ,that is an unfortunate name for a mirror?)) Judging from his reaction to my face, I am guessing it was a mix between a very mad ''WHAT?!'' mixed with a bit of disgust and wanting to smack the SMACK outta someone. (I didn't do it don't worry! But I could feel my whole body tense up, and my fists somehow curled up into fists.) I am guessing this mind you because, although I didn't say anything, he responded in a very-unsure-of-himself "Dorian?…Are you…mad…at Dorian?"

"He is NOT my boyfriend." I glared at him.

"Oh. Ok. I thought that maybe…" he trailed off.

"No." I said very calmly and very cold.

"Well, I just thought that…"

"No." I repeated again calm and cold like.

"Cause he said"

"No." I could tell, he was really asking himself why he came over here in the first place. Because he kinda shuffled his feet and took a step back.

"You don't want to come sit up front with us?"

"No." I repeated again. "Thank you."

"Ok" he said, he suddenly seemed just a wee bit scared, a backed away slowly. I caught Dorian looking back again, and I gave him my best-mom look. And his eyes went straight to the road again. Good Goly Gosh MAN! Whats wrong with this fool-child. I don't even want to slap him anymore because he would probably like it! He is very much needing to STAY AWAY FROM ME! I was contemplating buying a ring and putting it on, you know just so MAYBE he would leave me alone, if he thought I was "taken". But the rings cost 15 bucks! And when the store dude told me that I actually went "Bahaha!…seriously?!'' Haha. So no ring. Anyways, after this whole smoosh of a morning and early afternoon I got to Sereno. Went an bought some things that I needed. And suddenly I had a break-through! And this is what it was….

No wonder the women here are SO mad all the time, there are no _________! With all the things that made their way down here to Panama, ________ did not! Poor unfortunate women. I am sad for you all. But at this very moment, I am sad for myself! But it does explain SOO much now!

After the stores I went to the internet and got to talk a little with my Mama Llama and Carin. I got some new music, and then forgot I was supposed to go to buy Mayka some cat food. And so I fast-walked to the store. And ended up jogging in the rain, with my umbrella open, and backpack full back to where the bus was waiting. It ALMOST left me. Like ALMOST ALMOST ALMOST! Once I got on the bus and sat down and it left Sereno, I realized I had forgotten 3 VERY IMPORTANT things I was supposed to do at the internet today. NO! FOUR!! #1 Send my 'April' time in (Can anyone else believe its the last day of April today?!) #2 Update my blog (Sorry folks!) #3 Respond to a few emails from friends. #4 Send Leti's pictures to her mom. GASP SIX!! #5 Send out my letter to a family back home. #6 Research what exactly are all the medications, I was prescribed for. Oh yeah AND I forgot to take my medicine! NICE! I will probably die now! On a happier note…..

I started playing a game today, by myself of course. I call it 'Word-Picture'. This is how you play… You think of one word and see what the first few things that come to your mind are. Then the last word that comes to your mind you have to start with that as your next word. This is how it started and an example of how you play.

Word: Mexican Picture:Beans and Tortillas

Tortillas- Tacos and Mixote

Mixote- My corner and my house

My house- My family

My Family- My Sister and my Mom

My Mom- From the U.S.

The USA- Mc Donalds and Fat

Fat- Carbohydrates

Carbohydrates- Pasta

Pasta- Italians

Italians - Mustaches and Capuchinos

Capuchinos- Esbeidy

Esbeidy- Eli

Eli- Irapuato

Irapuato- Noah and Tammy St.Aubin

St.Aubin- French/Canadian

Canadians- Moose and Beer

Beer- Carne Asada

Carne Asada- The Flores Family

The Flores Family- Mali and Cristina

Cristina- Chinese Food

Chinese Food- Wontons and Pork Fried Rice

Rice- Panamanians

Panamanians- Mosquitos and Ojaldras (Ojaldas are delicious puffy tortilla things that they make here. :) AND I know how to make them!)

Ojaladras- Pioneer Route

Pioneer Route- Spiritual Goal

Spiritual Goal- Bethel

Bethel-New York

New York- Alicia Keys, Pizza, Twin Towers

Twin Towers-9/11

9/11-Gerber, California

California- Surfers and Jamba Juice

Jamba Juice- Sacramento

Sacramento-My father

My father- Time and Distance

Distance- My home.

My home- Mexico

Mexico- Beans and Tortillas

Ya see?! Its actually rather fun, I do believe I will be filling up one of my notebooks with this new game of mine. :D I like this game of mine! Its fun! But I can also see how it could get grim at times. Oh well though, its new and its interesting and I won't get in trouble for enjoying THIS new interesting thing. :)

Now its almost 9:30 p.m. and I am still WIDE AWAKE. And I think it has to do with the fact I just downed a cup of coffee. Why did I drink coffee at 9? Good question! ANSWER! Because I was cold inside. :( So now, what am I supposed to do??? I am going to take notes on my moms notes on the 1012 Annual…wait there is something wrong with that sentence…oh yeah. 2012 Annual…there it is! Pioneer Meeting. :) (The 2012 Annual Pioneer Meeting, for those who got trapped in that brain-fart of mine. :)) That is what I will do! WHOO-HOO!! ….Uh-oh…Coffee was NOT a good idea…And I was SO looking forward to sleeping tonight. ASH! …WAIT WAIT WAIT!…I just yawned!…I still have some coffee left…should I drink it?…NO! I can't drink it. I need to go to sleep!!…wow I suddenly feel tired…Ok, PLAN! Drink the rest of the coffee and study until 10. Then go to bed. PLAN ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well…the PLAN was somewhat fulfilled…The coffee is gone, and has been gone for a while now…And its 11:53. I ended up just copying and actually meditating on the the notes my mom made. And then for the past 30 ish minutes I have been sitting here just thinking, meditating, contemplating on what I just read. Asking myself the deep questions of life. Really trying to understand myself. And then all of a sudden I was crying asking myself over and over. 'Am I really worth all that much to Jehovah? Im just one person. One 18-year old female, with a long list of sins and shortcomings behind me, enough for at least AT LEAST 2 people. So why am I here? Why am I a Pioneer? Why am I on the Pioneer Route in Panama? Do I really have Jehovah supporting me to move forward? Or am I just one of those people who keeps falling through the cracks? Am I really and I mean REALLY, TRUTHFULLY, HONESTLY doing ALL I can for Jehovah? Am I vigorously keeping up in the race? Im I exerting myself strenuously? Sure I moved away from my comfort zone now twice, left my friends and family behind now twice, jumped into a new territory with new, unseen dangers and problems now twice, Bravely took on anything coming my way now twice, kept afloat as the waves of distractions/problems/temptations/misfortunes/disasters/tribulations washed over me now twice. But am I really REALLY doing my part? Am I really doing my share?…I honestly don't know…No. I think I do know. And I think I am meaning to say 'No. No Im not'. I should be doing more! I don't know how but I should! Im making up for lost time now. But I am not doing all I can. Why do I feel like Im not?! I finally figured out a fear. The only fear I have left in my whole soul… Disappointing Jehovah, again…Thats the fear that haunts me at every fork in the road of decisions to make. There is a little voice inside me that whispers in my brain saying 'Don't do it AGAIN! Don't make him hurt AGAIN! Don't do it AGAIN!' But when there are no upcoming life altering decisions, like for instance now. At 12:05 A.M, May 1st, 2012. The little voice has a different tune. A tune I am oh to familiar with. 'Its too late' it calls after me 'Its to late, now! You've jumped the fence to many times, and you can't come back now. Its to late for you. Give up! Your not going to make it. Cause your not good enough. You've fallen short to many times, and there is no coming back from where you've gone now! Give up!' This little voice in my head rings through me as a whole, it creeps up my spin, and sends shivers down my arms. Do I listen to the little voice? Surely, I know I shouldn't! But sometimes, just sometimes, it seems so sure of itself. As if what it is saying isn't just a thought. But a fact, a reality, that I am too afraid to face. 'Its to late, now. Your not going to make it. You've fallen short to many times. Give Up.' I must not be the only one who hears this voice am I? There must be others that hear this voice ringing off the back of their skulls. Always, there sending that cold icy twist down your spine. I can't be the only one. But, man, sometimes it feels like I am. I always think if only people REALLY knew what used to be, then they would understand why what I do now is not enough. But people don't know. Mainly cause I don't tell people. There are reasons, like with everything. But its times like these that, that wicked little voice, seems to be ringing with a hint of truth to it. Its times like these that I am TRULY sad…Its 12:14 a.m. now. Im calling it a night…even though its morning. And I have to be up in less then 7 hours to start another day. Live day-by-day, self. Live day-by-day.

The Haphazard Happenings of a Random Flower

Monday, May 14, 2012

Day 125- Sunday, May 13th, 2012

Day 124- Saturday, May 12th, 2012

Day 123- Friday, May 11th, 2012

Day 122- Thursday, May 10th, 2012

Day 121- Wednesday, May 9th, 2012

Day 120-Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

Day 119-Monday, May 7th, 2012

Monday, May 7, 2012

Day 118- Sunday, May 6th, 2012

Day 117- Saturday, May 7th, 2012

Day 116- Friday, May 6th, 2012

Day 115-Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

Day 114-Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012

Day 113- Tuesday, MAY 1st, 2012!

Day 112- Monday, April 30th, 2012

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